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Metanoia

by Nate Perkins

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1.
Insomnia 03:40
She’s smoking a cigarette, bare breasted And when the covers slip I’m in love with the curl of her lips I try to flex in the mirror she does her makeup in and she laughs. I was feeling much stronger. She hits me in bed with her closed fists And she’s got a bad attitude and a real vulgar mouth on her She says to love someone else you have to love yourself first. I don’t really subscribe to that. I ask her what’s her philosophy like And she giggles and says it’s nothing really worth noting And when I reach for her hand she pulls away like I burn her. I feel ugly and useless. She says “what’s keeping you together baby?” I tell her “Fuck, it’s only fool’s gold and a liter of duct tape.” She nods her head a few times and leans back on her bed. I don’t think she gets me. She tells me a lot of things will kill you She tells me “love makes you so stupid.” She tells me jokes I don’t laugh at too long. She tells me my smile is as bent as my back. I start lighting cigarettes end to end endlessly, And I flip through her textbooks until I’m tired. She tells me I shouldn’t smoke so much, that I should smile more and that I should stand up straight, and stop drinking when I’m alone, , and that I should work on making more friends if I’m lonely, and that I should cut my hair shorter and trim my beard, and that medicine is a scam and nobody needs it, and that I’m afraid of happiness and success, that what I really need is a good vacation, that I’m overly emotional and callous at the same time, that I’m very good in bed, and that she’ll never love me but I can stay all night if I want.
2.
Arrhythmia 03:08
I could stop, drop, and roll My head is up in flames The burnings lost control But I’m in no pain So now I’ve learned to lie Just nod my head or shrug Yeah, everything is fine No, I’m never bugged Picture my insides Rotten, black, and gray The bags beneath my eyes My bed full of stains Thoughts like broken glass Fling curses at the walls I drink until I’m crass Till my head stops or stalls My heart skips a, My heart skips a, My heart skips a My heart skips a beat You love me when you’re bored You leave me when you’re not I’m heading for the door It’s not what I want The dagger’s at my back Hey, where’d you learn to twist? Shannon I’ve lost track Did you break my heart or my wrist? So I’m burning every bridge Collapsed to make a dam The water’s passed the ridge I’ve had all I can stand So flood my heart with sex And knock back every shot If love is not complex Well then, where are we caught? My heart skips a, My heart skips a, My heart skips a My heart skips a beat My heart stutters, whenever you are near My heart stutters, My head reels I say “I guess I gotta go” “I mean I really have to leave” Wanted sun where there was snow Wanted love there was grief So I guess I went insane I guess I lost my head The forecast calls for rain I’m still in bed
3.
Blacklung 06:37
My pride, My pride is shot There’s this sea of woes I’ve got If I could give it a name, I would As if shame could do a man good Don’t hold my hand, Can’t hold my heart No love Because I sift like sand, Cause I come apart No soul It don’t rain, don’t rain enough In this heat the sun is rough I can’t sweat this fever through Oh I’ve got it bad for you Don’t hold my hand, Can’t hold my heart No love Because I sift like sand, Cause I come apart No soul My love, my love is blind If I could return I’d give it in kind So now the young are paired off in twos Black lung, blue heart blues Don’t hold my hand, Can’t hold my heart No love Because I sift like sand, Cause I come apart No soul Don’t hold my hand, Can’t hold my heart No love Because I sift like sand, Cause I come apart No soul
4.
Cirrhosis 03:57
Staring off into the space between Bottles separating them from me I was lost ‘til I’d had a few I’m missing someone but I’m not sure who Got here just before the clock struck nine Killing brain cells and wasting time I bum a cigarette from Crackpipe Dave Plays online poker and his head is shaved Chorus I look at Stacy, wonder what she sees Is the checkered vinyl what it seems I wish she’d lift those eyes and look at me Am I together as I seem to be? Johnny’s got a case of shotgun breath Double barreled whiskey, knock ‘em back Pull the trigger ‘til I’ve lost my head Goes straight through me but I’ve never bled Scary Gary’s got an eye for ass He likes ‘em young and he likes ‘em fast He wants to split ‘em with his silver tongue He’s thumbing cherries and his money’s all gone Chorus Bridge Picking up my tab I drop my glass I’m seeing double and I’m fading fast Streetlights at night guiding my way home For one nightcap to spend the night alone I cross my heart, oh I hope I die I’d stick a needle in my mother’s eye I pray to God I don’t step on a crack I was the straw that broke my father’s back
5.
Fracture 03:15
Sometime after fall When the cold has come to call Us all to bed The trees lose their leaves No heart for my sleeves I lose my head When things break I just bend I try my best again I am mistaken I’m finding cracks in my faults Running naked down the hall I am just fakin’ Chorus For all my plans that go to hell I’ve got ten or more to sell But no one’s buyin’ Guess I’m fine on my own I guess I’ve got a bone To pick with dyin’ If it’s too soon I won’t repent Too late and I’ll be spent And far too ready There’s some point I must have missed I guess it gets me pissed Just keep it steady Chorus I wasn’t always such a drag But memory tends to lag And life’s a riddle You once asked me on your crutch How could you have so much And make so little? Chorus
6.
Malignant 07:20
Scraped up shins You glow like sin Meanwhile your halo tilts, breaks, and shatters So just leave me be, bruised and bitter Caught in sheets Latex, release I get so drunk on love, head for shelter Vomit bombshell lust on your headboard Chorus Kick my teeth I don’t want to speak Everything comes out wrong, spit suck garbled So just leave me here, tongue like marble Chorus Pigeons fuck Kill for business lunch Meanwhile on Eighth and Vine I am sweating So just leave me down, far to heavy Sleepless streets Walk on bleeding feet Confused, my vision swims, warped sharp fractals Heaven’s far too far, dim, and fragile Well I have tired of wax wings that melt when I rise I’m falling now and laughing loud at the ground no surprise The sudden sound of rushing air, the customary thud Picking up the bigger parts, scrape me up from this rut You’re beautiful, but cold as hell with predatory eyes You left me like a wounded dog, so dumb, sick, and blind
7.
Amnesia 04:27
The air is stand still I hope no one moves The smoke hangs there Like a work of art My lungs hurt Stinging in the choir So I look up There’s no light Forget all your dreams Forget about your hopes Nerves and bad breath My voice is destroyed Call me Atlas With none of the strength Under the weather Stuck in my space It stands vacant Alone and inspired Forget all your friends Forget about your pride Supple cold lips I wanna make her warm ‘Gainst a strange wind She left me in the snow She cried don’t stop From our old bed With her toes curled And her back arched Forget all your love Forget about your happiness Forget it all
8.
Comatose 06:33
The dishes pile up And the floor is dirty, it’s too cold this morning To get out of bed And the sheets are tangled, my throat is mangled Chain smoke cigarettes ‘Til the sun is fading, my will is caving Through my heart I go comatose again God’s a bottle in the fridge He’s mostly carbonation, this is flagellation Ounce by ounce Corn mash three years aged, ‘til I’m dirt and rage The room is spinning quick There’s no use in trying, sick from always fighting This empty life I go comatose again Don’t wake me Don’t wake me Don’t wake me (I’m not feeling like myself) Don’t wake me (I think I’d sleep straight through hell) Don’t wake me (I’m not feeling like myself) Don’t wake me (I think I’d sleep straight through hell) The walls are staring back The room oozes malice, lash me to the ballast Of a sinking love Won’t you call me up Shannon, ride me through this panic Till I drown in lust Cut me up with your lips, bruise my pride on your hips And cast me out I go comatose I go comatose I go comatose
9.
I caught some flak coming out of the trap you sat Round the corner from the place you spat, I wept All night Punch drunk from the birdshot to the gut Stutter step through the pitfalls and the ruts In my life I’m sucking air through the straw you bent Foot in mouth for the time I spent With you, a waste I’ve done my time and a few good deeds you see Splitting hairs till I’m splitting at the seams Undone I hit a wall every time I fall for you Too dumb to see there’s nothing left to do It’s done I’m calling names from my drunken chair I’m losing faith like I’m losing hair Fistfuls of dead locks Wound my bones with your whiskey stare Feign and flake, say you really care I do, fuck me I kicked a habit, kept a couple standing by I think the end’s coming sooner than I’d like Big deal Running empty but I’m making progress here Lock jawed still I’m swallowing the fear Three cheers So ashamed for the way I’ve been I get sober but I’m bathed in sin Good God, gone God I wanna love, man I really do It’s too hard when there’s nothing new Old swears, fresh cloth I can live with this bastard heart It isn’t perfect but it isn’t hard Head clear of war fog Hey I’m still alive Hey I haven’t died Hey I’m still alive And I can be kind

about

This album is about being lovesick and drunk... I know what you're thinking: "This is new territory for Nate Perkins!"
(any likenesses to actual persons mentioned are purely coincidental

credits

released January 15, 2017

Written*, Performed, Produced, Recorded, and Mastered by Nate Perkins
(The song Cirrhosis was co-written with Peter Vilardi)
Album artwork by Brenna Jenny
Text/Design by Ben Leeson

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Nate Perkins Cincinnati, Ohio

I'm Nate Perkins.

Cincinnati, Ohio born.

Brooklyn, NYC transplant.

I don't always keep a strict genre, so I guess the genre is just depression.

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